24.08.2012

 It's been a really hard week. Sorry month. I'm a little bit confused. As always. Anyway, I've been having anxiety  attacks, or sth like that, I'm not really sure. And it sucks. I couldn't stay at home by myself, so I've flied to my parents' house. I don't know should I call it home or not. Anyway, I'll fly back to home(!?) on Monday with my mom. Why with mom? Because, I'm too scared to be alone. The worst part here is not even my mom and dad understand my situation. They just ignore my wish to see a physchologist. I've this thing that I just have to have their approval for almost everything. Probably the worst habit one can have. Actually probably not the worst, but, anyway. I've been here for such a long time, for God's sake !(which is about 6 days) I had to come here, or I don't know. I used to care about my own instinct so much, but I learned from a professional that, much of the things we have in our minds come from the things we learned from our mom and dad when we were young. So the guilt or other feelings I feel inside is actually not mine. Even maybe the fears. I used to deal with them better. And I will.
  No matter what, I have to put aside other people's wishes and thoughts for me, even my parents'.Because even they know me very well, they don't know what's going inside of me.  
 I'm the kind of person who thinks over and over and over again. But when I decide to do sth, I should do that right away. Otherwise, I don't know, I can't. Interesting, isn't it? So it's time to list my decisions and make them happen. Stop thinking about past, or the future. Start thinking the moment. It might hurt me or my family's feelings, but it certainly can't hurt more than now !.
 I'm feeling sad, because almost all the people I know have people to worry about, their families, etc. But ı don't. Actually I do, but I can't do anything about them and every move I make to try to make things better is refused by a strong resistance. I always here the same response "yes, I will", but nothing is done so far. By so far I mean 10 years or more! What a lovely family :)
 I can't even feel sad or frustrated or anything.