05.11.2012

 There are many things that you can't see just by looking.

08.09.2012

 I'm trying to stop victimizing myself. Bad things don't just happen to me. But the future stilll scares me. now also scares me, too. Things didn't turn out the way I expected. Mostly because some stupid medication messed up with my brain. I'll get over this, too. Maybe it'll take time, and money, unfortunately, but I'll. ı wish I could just calm down and get over these anxious feelings. I have to try harder, I guess. 

24.08.2012

 It's been a really hard week. Sorry month. I'm a little bit confused. As always. Anyway, I've been having anxiety  attacks, or sth like that, I'm not really sure. And it sucks. I couldn't stay at home by myself, so I've flied to my parents' house. I don't know should I call it home or not. Anyway, I'll fly back to home(!?) on Monday with my mom. Why with mom? Because, I'm too scared to be alone. The worst part here is not even my mom and dad understand my situation. They just ignore my wish to see a physchologist. I've this thing that I just have to have their approval for almost everything. Probably the worst habit one can have. Actually probably not the worst, but, anyway. I've been here for such a long time, for God's sake !(which is about 6 days) I had to come here, or I don't know. I used to care about my own instinct so much, but I learned from a professional that, much of the things we have in our minds come from the things we learned from our mom and dad when we were young. So the guilt or other feelings I feel inside is actually not mine. Even maybe the fears. I used to deal with them better. And I will.
  No matter what, I have to put aside other people's wishes and thoughts for me, even my parents'.Because even they know me very well, they don't know what's going inside of me.  
 I'm the kind of person who thinks over and over and over again. But when I decide to do sth, I should do that right away. Otherwise, I don't know, I can't. Interesting, isn't it? So it's time to list my decisions and make them happen. Stop thinking about past, or the future. Start thinking the moment. It might hurt me or my family's feelings, but it certainly can't hurt more than now !.
 I'm feeling sad, because almost all the people I know have people to worry about, their families, etc. But ı don't. Actually I do, but I can't do anything about them and every move I make to try to make things better is refused by a strong resistance. I always here the same response "yes, I will", but nothing is done so far. By so far I mean 10 years or more! What a lovely family :)
 I can't even feel sad or frustrated or anything.

 I have to push  myself harder. A lot harder.

21.07.2012

  I think all those bad feeling, no, horrible feeling I've been experiencing lately, are because of ritalin withdrawal. Ritalin is a miracle drug when it comes to studying, but comes with horrible side effects. So I think I should gradually stop using it. I don't know what can I use instead and I don't know what kind of ways I 'll study again. But I think I should find less-miracle, but more natural ways.
 I can't mention this about to my family though, especially to my mum, because she'll start blaming me again!!! It doesn't matter that I'm 29 years old. She'll still make me feel like a guilty child again.

 Things have to change. I have to change. 

 NORMALIZATION !!!

 I don't know what to tell to whom anymore. Or how.

 I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to Be Free

 I won't wait anymore, I will prioritize.

 I've decided to spend less money on the house, cleaning etc, more on myself !

 Go, see the words with your own eyes !
Larita

 I love formulizing things :)

25.06.2012

 Seriously, I made the right decision :) Now I have a chance to ease into the life again. I might have not used my oppurtunities to the end, bu this time, I've decided to do so. Maybe I can't do this for a long time. There are financial issues, etc etc etc. But I 'll use these oppurtunities this time, at least I plan to do so. I hope so :)

 I made the right decision. Even for once :)

 Cook, cook and cook ! Not just for your health, for your budget, too !
 I guess I have to learn how to cook first :)

 Don't drink too much coffee! Especially so late !!!

 The weather smells so good. Why so good?

 Seriously, it can't be worse.

 Everything comes with a price

 I'm sure than are more fun ways of spending a saturday night, rather than cleaning :(((

I use too much exclamation mark !!! :)

 If I don't clear up my mind...
 I have to learn a way to closure. Even for the littlest things.

 I take too much medicine, I shouldn't !.

 I remember a time that I really felt happy. I was as training and at the evenings I used to take business english classes in a fancy street in Istanbul. It's probably because I used 6 months of laroxyl, and it helped me to get rid of my tension headaches. Well, mostly. Itt's also probably that I have most of my family with me.
 It's really weird to remember of happy times in life. Nostalgia didn't use to hurt so much. Sometimes it feels like nostalgia really means what it means originally, in ancient greek.  "Pain of an old wound".

 Walking really helps clear my mind!

Thank God for today.

 It's time to free myself. ı just don't kow how.

 I feel lost. ı just wanna find myself, again.

 The girl who wanted everything, ended up with nothing.

 Start taking control of your life, or someone else will.

 JUST BE YOURSELF !!!

05.05.2012

Nothing that is beautiful is easy, but everything is possible.
 Mercedes de Acosta

Change is inevitable. There's no other way.

 DO STH ELSE !!!!

 I've always waited for sth to happen. Not just somebody to save me. Sth big should have happened. Well, nothing happened. Nothing ever happens. I should do sth. I don't feel like I have this power, to change, but uoy never know if you don't ever try.

21.04.2012

 Finally, I have time to wrap-up old things and start new ones.

19.04.2012

 I feel so relieved. People should quit sometimes, they really should do it.

17.04.2012

 Fear. I live with fear. Fear of losing someone, something. Fear of people getting upset or angry because of me. Fear of losing myself.

15.04.2012

 You're your own person. Establish your own rules. Don't live on other people's rules and opininons. Because they don't live with you.

15.04.2012

 It's better to talk to someone who understands you, and not to waste your time with people who don't. You cen spend hours and hours and end up with nothing. What can be more frustrating?

14.04.2012

I always worry about having shortcomings. People are superior than me because they are stronger than me. In some ways, at least. But I have other positive thins I have in my life. I can't use them. Actually I do, but not enough. People don't always get lucky in their lives, if they catch a chance, they should use it, to the end. I should do the same.

14.04.2012

I'm hurting myself. Both mentally and physically. I'm really hurtin myself. I can't stop it.

11.04.2012

Why can't I accept things the way they are? Why do I have to be such a drama queen? I don't wanna be like this. Why do I like to be sorry about myself so much?